"We'll just come to your boat, Noah" - A blog re-post

The link below takes you to one of my favorite bloggers, Canning Granny.  Not only does she share an over abundance of canning wisdom, but this particular blog post covers a topic that I've been struggling with for so long - when people say, "I know where I'm going when the (insert disaster here) happens!" 

For those who are of Christian faith, this will be a familiar story, for those who walk a different path, this is still a very relevant post.  Please take the time to read it, Canny Granny took the words right out of my mouth.  Till next time, y'all!

http://canninggranny.blogspot.com/2012/12/well-just-come-to-your-boat-noah.html

Bringing Home Baby - Introducing our new arrival

I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of the newest member of our growing family for just over a year now.  There was moments when I thought she'd never come home and times when I had some serious doubts on if it was the right choice, or if there was a less expensive option out there that would be just as good.  




(record scratch)  




I know what you're probably thinking....A less expensive option that would be just as good?  What are you talking about?!  How can you say that about a baby???  No my friends, it's not an actual baby (human or 4 legged) but the other kind of baby that tends to be just as doted on in this household...it's my newest firearm.  Not just any gun, but the semi automatic handgun that I have been heavily lusting after for over a year because it seemed to ideally suited for concealed carry.  I am proud to announce the arrival of my newest, cherished baby:  

Which one is it?  Oh, the suspense!!!   

 Shortly after purchasing my first semi automatic handgun, my Sig Sauer P250 compact, it became apparent that despite having an in the waistband (IWB) holster and an on the waistband(OWB)  holster that concealing that particular gun on my frame was a very tall order.  It is an excellent gun for home defense, and I do wear it holstered on my person when I'm home, but only in the dead of winter (for the 2-3 weeks of actual winter we get here) could I hope to conceal it on my frame under a heavy winter coat, and even then it was iffy.  It's not that I don't love Siggy, or that she's less important to me now that Kahrina has come home, it's more a matter of choosing the right gun for the job.  

As I was laid up for several months with a neck injury that took me off the shooting range entirely, I began doing a lot of research.  I'd seen the Kahr PM40 in person and was very impressed with it's overall size and slim profile.  The clerk at the gun counter warned me about 2 things: it bucks like a bronco, and the spring is so tight that you need to run at least 200 hundred rounds through it before relying on it for everyday carry.  (that's a recommendation from the manufacturer)  I looked at other gun manufacturers to see what their reviews and specifications were like.  I went through KelTec, Ruger, Diamondback, Smith & Wesson, Springfield, Glock and Sig Sauer and handled all of them at gun shows and gun shops.  My wishlist was very specific: I really, really, really wanted to stay with a .40 caliber both because it's the same type of ammo as 2 of our other guns, and my personal preference leans towards larger calibers.  (Who, me?  A caliber queen?  Well, yeah.)  The dimensions of the gun were another huge deciding factor for me - when I say I have a small frame I'm not kidding - at my absolute heaviest I'm 120 pounds at 5'7" and  very small boned.  Many guns that can conceal on someone with a more athletic or curvier frame will print on my frame unless I'm dressed in ultra baggy clothes and over-sized business clothes (which is primarily what my wardrobe consists of during the week) do not lend themselves to an overall professional appearance.  So the gun needed to be very slim, and very small.  Did I mention trigger pull?  That was also a "must have" on my wishlist - my Sig has a very long trigger pull and for my carry weapon I wanted something that a trigger pull more along the lines of a Glock - short and smooth.  Quality, craftsmanship and a good reputation were also important to me.  I hated the way some of the guns felt so...well...cheap. 

It kept coming back to Kahr, who offered everything I wanted: an easily concealable, well made gun that offered the right caliber with a nice trigger pull.  Last year Santa Bear brought me a beast of a crossbow, this year I was really hoping he'd bring me the Kahr CW40.  As it turns out, I didn't have to wait till Christmas!  

Ta-Daaaaaah!  Aw, look at her all snug in her bed!

We stopped off at our local gun store Thanksgiving weekend to pick up some ammo and targets before heading to the range.  They had the Kahr PM40 and the Kahr CW40 both in stock and Bear encouraged me to look at them both again for a true side by side comparison.  The next thing I knew, I was filling out the paperwork to take my new baby home, home on the raaaaaange... oh the range that was closed on that daaaaaaaay...  Yep.  Wouldn't you know it?  Brand new gun that I've been dying to get my grubby paws on, and the range was closed.  I had to content myself with shooting a few rounds on our property since it's bad luck not to shoot a gun the day you get it.  Or at least that's what Bear tells me.  Any excuse to go shooting is a good one to me!  Stiff spring aside (and oh, the joys of trying to disassemble her in order to clean and lube her could be a post all its own) she's everything I wanted.  Good solid weight in my hand, comfortable grip, good deep grooves on the slide for easier racking, shorter trigger pull and she disappears on my frame.  Just melts away into the background like she's not even there.  For those curious, I did not think the recoil was anywhere near as bad as people had led me to believe - even online video reviews stated that it felt like shooting a .45 - I respectfully disagree.  Yes, it has a decent amount of recoil to it, however if it's really that much of an issue Kahr offers a recoil reducing barrel for the CW40 that you can switch out with the standard barrel. 

I'll post a more thorough review of the Kahr CW40 after she's been thoroughly put through her paces at the range where we'll go over the sights, accuracy, trigger pull, recoil and overall performance after our next range day - which will hopefully be this coming Saturday!  But until then, I'll keep practicing racking that slide and taking lots of baby pictures...sniffle...they grow up so fast!  

That is one pretty, pretty baby.

Best Christmas present EVER!  The picture below says it all:

 
Till next time, y'all!  

Buying Local - A trip to the farmers markets

A day well spent - locally grown SC produce and products

The past several weeks of work have been unbelievably busy.  A client visit, audits, a job fair, catering for the client visit, our annual fund raiser wrap up, the company picnic - all in addition to my regular work load.  It's left me with less coherent thoughts than I'd like at the end of any given day, and many attempts at blog posts lately seem more like sleep deprived ramblings.  This weekend was the first weekend I had 2 days off in a row in what feels like forever.  

Much as the bed called to me sweetly and sang siren songs of snug little naps, Bear and I headed out to the farmer's market in Florence, SC.  Sweet potatoes are in season and there's nothing better than fresh sweet potatoes straight from the local farms...blame it on those adorable baskets they come in, but one basket sitting by its lonesome just seemed sad so we got two.  Which equals 20 very generous pounds of sweet potatoes - one guess as to what I'm canning as I type.  The Collard Greens looked glorious, big, leafy, just the right shade of green and we'd just gone through our first frost (which improves their taste, oddly enough) so I grabbed a bunch of those for Thanksgiving dinner.  Then the apples beckoned with their shiny colorful skins and you can't say no to fresh apples that look so beautiful.  Especially not when Bear and my Mama have both requested my Caramel Apple Pie for dessert.  They deserve farm fresh, just picked apples for their pie so that's what they got.  Pounds and pounds of them.  About 7 apples will end up in the actual pie, the rest will be turned into pie filling, canned, and stashed away in our food storage along with the many, many jars of sweet potatoes.  Currently we have 20 pint jars and 7 quart jars and there's still many more waiting to be canned.  I think I may have a produce problem.  Is there a support group for that?  How do you tell when someone is produce drunk and needs to be cut off?  We also ended up with a lovely ornamental cabbage plant with stunning shades of purple in it for only $2.00.  In hindsight, we should have gotten several more. 

After the farmers market we headed south and stopped off at Abbott Farms where they have some of the absolute best fruit ciders anywhere in the history of mankind.  The white peach cider is to die for, the blueberry is delightful, and then there's the apple pie cider.  We haven't tried it yet, but we needed it in our lives.  I also needed a small bottle of the strawberry cider because...well, just because.  In addition to their ciders, they carry homemade ice creams, sodas, breads, preserves, canned produce, sauces, salsas, handmade soaps - it's like one stop shopping for every foodie on your holiday gift list.  Plus, they have samples that change daily, so we got to sample two new ciders, blueberry preserves, peach salsa and I forget what else, but it was all really, really good. The peach soap they make smells just like a ripe peach and looked too pretty to leave sitting by the register so we got a bar of that too.  Looking back, it might not have been such a bad idea to get a few more bars...   

After loading our box of goodies from Abbott Farms we admired our haul nestled happily in the back of the SUV.  We rode contentedly back towards home, high from our food sampling and the promise of more good food to come until Bear, my voice of reason, piped up with, "Do we have enough mason jars to can all this food with?"  Off to the local restaurant supply we went, where we  scouted for prepper essentials and ended up with 4 cases of mason jars, and a few miscellaneous odds and ends we needed for our preps.  Now that I see how many sweet potatoes are left, all the apples, and the collard greens (the remainder of which will be canned) I'm thinking maybe we could have gotten another case or two of jars...

In upcoming posts I'll be sharing how I can sweet potatoes (slightly different from other methods) and my caramel apple pie and bacon-bacon bourbon pecan pie recipes, providing we can get a picture of them before they disappear.  I hope you were able to spend your weekend enjoying all the delights of this season and finding some new things to be thankful for.  As for me, I'm thankful for my (always hectic, often stressful) job that allows me to support local businesses and farms, and for my family, who always appreciates the fruits of my labor...as evidenced by how fast food disappears around here.  
Till next time, y'all!  Oh - and if you happen to go to a farmers market in the near future, could you pick me up just a few pounds of apples?  I forgot to grab some for making applesauce.  Just 10 pounds or so ought to do it.    

Prepping for Beginners Part II - Planning and starting your food storage

In my last post, I covered the basics of food storage items.  Now that you have a better idea of how to protect your food for long term storage, let’s talk about starting your food storage.  When we first started prepping, I got discouraged by how little we had stored.  It was very tempting to dip into our savings and order the freeze dried meals sold in plastic buckets just to feel like we had a more substantial start for our food stores.  I was ready to order a hand grinder and wheat berries so I’d be able to grind our own wheat to make bread with…Then I realized that they weren’t the right choices for our family.  We don’t eat a lot of whole grain bread because it upsets my stomach.  I don’t know the first thing about grinding wheat into flour.  The freeze dried meals didn’t seem to have a lot of protein in them, and they weren’t terribly budget friendly.  The smart preppers, the ones who’ve been doing this for a good long while, said this: Look at what you and your family eats currently and start building your food storage around that.  An emergency survival situation is not the time to suddenly discover you hate freeze dried beef teriyaki, or that sprouted wheat is just about the worst thing you’ve ever tasted.  Do NOT fool yourself into thinking, “Well, if we’re hungry enough, we’ll eat it.”  Yes, you may eat it because it’s all that’s available however the point of food storage isn’t just to have enough food to see you through an emergency or survival situation, but to have things that are nutritious, as well as familiar and comforting.  There will be enough upheaval in your life already without introducing new and unfamiliar foods into the mix.  There may be a time when you have to, but if you can keep some of the familiar foods you’re used to in your storage, it can make life that much easier.  This is especially true for families with young children, or picky eaters.  

It's only a good deal if you've already tried it and know you and your family will eat it.

The second daunting aspect of starting our food storage was realizing how much was needed for just one person, for a full year.  We’re not talking luxury items, but the bare bones: 400 pounds of grains, 120 pounds of legumes, 16 pounds of powdered milk, 10 quarts cooking oil, 60 pounds of sugar or honey and 8 pounds salt.  Now multiply that for a family of 4.  Breathe, deep breaths, don’t panic.  I know those calculations probably just made your head spin, they certainly made mine at first.  Here’s the thing: you don’t have to get everything all at once, and it doesn’t make sense to start storing large amounts of items that your family has never eaten before.  Get some of those buckets with freeze dried meals as a back up or to help supplement your food stores if you really want to, but shop for your storage the same way you’d shop to stock your kitchen pantry.  We keep a spreadsheet of what we have in our food stores, and it’s customized to what WE eat.  Bear likes canned ravioli, so if it’s coming up towards the “best by” date, we purchase more to replace the old, and he takes a can to lunch with him.  For example, under the “heat and eat” section, our spreadsheet might look something like this: 

Heat & Eat Canned Goods	Calories	Servings Per Container	Serving Size	# of Cans	Caloric Total
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli	500/can	2	1 Cup	5	2500
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Italian Sausage Ravioli	500/can	2	1 Cup	10	5000
Chef Boyardee Chili Mac	500/can	2	1 Cup	4	2000
Chef Boyardee Jumbo Spaghetti & Meatballs	560/can	2	1 Cup	1	560
Spaghetti & Meatballs (Aldi Brand)	560/can	2	1 Cup	12	6720
Heat & Eat Total Calories					16780

To calculate how long this would last, we factor our daily caloric intake at 1,500 calories a day.  Most recommendations state 2,000 calories a day, but we typically tend to eat less than that, so we’ve modified our calculations to reflect that.  We divide the total calories by 1,500.  Then we divide by the number of people in our household.  That resulting number would be how many days worth of food you have.  Keep in mind that this isn’t the end all, be all to our food storage, but an example of one way we started building ours with store bought canned goods that were on sale.  (prepper tip: write the expiration dates on the tops of your cans in permanent marker so you can easily see when you need to start rotating your canned goods out into your regular pantry.)  We have separate sections in our spreadsheet for legumes, grains, pantry essentials, meat, and other items that are in our normal, every day diets to include large cans of collard greens and sweet potatoes.  (Because we’re Southern preppers, after all!)  I even have a section for spices and bouillon.  If you were one person, and Hurricane Sandy were to hit tomorrow, you could hole up in your apartment and have enough food for 11 days with just the above section.  You might be sick of Chef Boyardee by the end of it, but it beats digging through a dumpster to find food.

I’ve learned how to pressure can meat, and feel so much better knowing we have tasty, fresh chicken (or beef, pork or venison) to enjoy.  I eat oatmeal at least 3 times a week, so it’s in my food storage.  I have regular all purpose flour stored in mylar bags inside my food grade buckets, because I’d rather work with what I know, than be faced with having to work with hand grinding wheat berries to make bread, tortillas and baked goods.  We included brown sugar in addition to regular sugar to our storage since we use it quite often.  Take advantage of the buy one, get one free sales at your local grocery store, and don’t forget the buy one, get one sales on vitamins and supplements to add into your food storage as well; price match at Walmart, coupon like a crazy person, and watch how your food stores start to add up.  Carve a little bit out of your budget to purchase items in bulk whenever possible – powdered milk, for example.  We got a great deal on a 14 pound bucket of powdered milk from Amazon and added 21,140 calories to our food storage.  That’s 2 weeks worth of life sustaining calories for 1 person if they were to live off the milk alone.   I buy generic or store brand items and with the savings I buy extra cans or bags of beans, rice, etc.  to put into our storage.  The point is, start storing what you already eat and know how to prepare.   

Another trick that saved my sanity was to set smaller, short term goals for food storage.  The ultimate goal is to have enough food to provide for our family for a full year if not more, but it’s so hard to feel like you’re making progress when you’re looking at a goal that large.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is your food storage.  Set small goals: enough food for a week, enough food for 1 month, enough food for 3 months, enough food for 6 months, etc.  Each time we’ve hit one of our short term goals, it felt like a victory and we breathed a little easier knowing we at least had that much in our stores. For us, it's become a way of life - every trip to the grocery store includes buying items that will be added into or used to replenish what's in our food storage.  Now that it's become a habit, it's much easier to keep up with, and we're able to focus on filling in any gaps in our storage, or continuing to increase it with a tactical shopping plan, ie, we're good on canned tomatoes, but we could use more canned potatoes.  Then we know what to shop for, and in my case, what I'll need to can in bulk. 

Now that you have an idea of how much of the basics one person needs to survive for a year and some general ideas on things you can include in your own food storage to make the hard times a little easier, get on out there and start prepping! 

Till next time, y’all! 

Prepping for Beginners Part I – An intro into the basics of food preservation items

NYC's Lower East Side 96 hours after Hurricane Sandy - dumpster diving for food. 

There is an abundance of information and products out there for people who are into preparedness.  For a beginner, all the information and all those different products can become overwhelming.  After witnessing people digging through a dumpster of spoiled food just 96 hours after Hurricane Sandy hit, I’m glad I stuck to it and continued prepping.  But for the novice prepper, those who are just dipping their toes into these waters, it can sometimes almost seem like a different language is being spoken.  In today’s post, we’re going to cover some of the most common items I ran across when researching food storage and demystify them for the absolute novice, as well as covering where to find some of these items without overpaying.

Food grade buckets

You know what they are, plastic buckets that are rated safe to store food in.  I wasn’t mystified as to what they were so much as where to get them.  The prices online seemed incredibly high for a 5 or 6 gallon bucket.  On a whim, we went to Lowes where we discovered 5 gallon food grade buckets MUCH cheaper than anywhere on the internet.  We got the buckets and matching lids for under $4 each.  Check the local hardware or big box stores near you for these items – just make sure they’re food grade. 

A 5 Gallon Food Grade Bucket - Stackable and essential for protecting your investment

Mylar bags 

The only time I’d heard of mylar was for balloons.  Mylar bags come in different thicknesses and sizes; their purpose is to help protect your dry goods such as rice, grains, sugar, etc. from degrading due to exposure to pantry pests, light and oxygen.  Typically, you place your mylar bags of food inside of your food grade buckets for long term storage.  The recommended thickness is 5 mil, thinner than that can let light into the bag and shorten the shelf life of your food.  I tend to use the 1 gallon sized bags over the 5 gallon bags as we live in the South, and I don’t want to expose more of my food to the elements than necessary.  So we package everything into 1 gallon bags and use a bag at a time while ensuring that the rest of the rice or beans or whatever remains fresh. 

You seal them by using heat – there are specially made sealers or you can use the PracticalPrepper2000 – also known as a clothes iron set on the nylon setting.  Works just as well, and it’s a lot cheaper.  I’ve also heard that a flat iron works very well, but I’m not willing to experiment with my Chi flat iron!  Before you seal your mylar bags, you will need to add in…

Oxygen Absorbers 

These a magical thing to me, as I cannot scientifically explain their chemical make up or what makes them work.  All I can tell you is they suck out all the oxygen from your mylar bags and makes for an airtight seal.  No oxygen means no bugs, and your food stays fresher for longer.  They come in different cc’s – I use 300 ccs in my 1 gallon mylar bags; after 24 hours you’ll notice that the bags look like they’ve been shrink wrapped – this is great, it means the oxygen absorbers are doing their thing!

The best prices on mylar bags and oxygen absorbers that we’ve found has been on Amazon, and I take advantage of the free shipping whenever possible.  Some sellers sell the bags and the absorbers together, which is a great thing as you will want to use ALL your oxygen absorbers once you open the bag they’re in, or they loose potency.  We generally build up a supply of dry goods that need to go into the bags and then I fill the bags assembly line style, once all the bags are filled I open the pack of oxy absorbers and then quickly seal them with the clothes iron. 

Mason jars

You all know what they are, but did you know you could store DRY goods in them?  I use pint sized canning jars when I’m storing dry foods, add in an oxygen absorber, put the lid and ring on and get the delightful sound of my jar “pinging” – ensuring that I have an airtight seal until they’re opened for use.  I use pint sized jars for storing bouillon, many preppers use quart sized jars and layer freeze dried or dehydrated foods (like peppers, onions, celery, spices, beans and rice) all into one jar for a quick and easy meal ready to be reconstituted.  We have a local restaurant supply store that has the lowest price on mason jars, but even our local Lowes runs specials on them during canning season (usually in the fall where we live). 

Of course, you can also use your mason jars to pressure can, which is what I use mine most often for.  Speaking of pressure canning…

The Pressure Canner

Pressure canners are really far less intimidating than you think.  I was scared to get one, then scared to use it, because I’d heard horror stories of mishaps with them.  But they are an essential part of prepping in my opinion, and you’re able to can just about everything with them – veggies, sauces, fruits, even meat.  Especially meat!  I won’t knock dehydrated or freeze dried meats, because a protein source is critical for survival, but I would much rather have canned meat any day of the week.  There are guidelines to follow, and methods to canning meat, and they must be followed to the letter if you want to ensure it’ll be safe for consumption later on.  The Canning Granny is a wealth of information on all things canning, and a google search will also bring up the recommended process of canning your items at the correct time and pressure for your altitude.  Most canners come with an instruction book that will also provide you with this information.  For those of you with pets, you can also can your own pet food – remember that preparedness should also extend to our four legged family members, too!  My Mama sent me my Presto pressure canner (Megalodon) from Amazon, and I love it. 

There are a lot of things I’m deliberately not covering in this post, since the goal was to go over the bare bones of food preservation and explain the uses for the various things you will see on many prepper related sites without completely overwhelming you.  Remember – you can’t eat the whole cow in one sitting, but you can eat the whole cow if you have it preserved properly!

Till next time, y’all! 

Autumnal Stuffed Squash

Nights like this I really enjoy, because the house is quiet and dinner can be a slow, unhurried affair.  Bear won’t be home until much later in the evening, and I can take my time to prepare dinner and experiment with a new recipe I found, or one I decided to make up.  I picked up an acorn squash while grocery shopping even though I had never prepared one before and couldn’t recall eating one.  A quick Google search pointed me towards butter and brown sugar.  That seemed like a good starting point and so off to the pantry to see what else might be lurking.  Raisins, dried cranberries, where are those pecans?  Oh yeah, they went into the bacon bourbon pecan pie and praline chicken.  Walnuts it is then!  

My Gram taught me a lot about cooking, and she never really measured anything (unless she was baking) – it was always an approximate guess as to how much of any given thing we were throwing into the pot.  Since we can’t be in my kitchen together, I did a pictorial step by step instead.  Because I love you that much, but not enough to show you pictures of my ancient oven, which I preheated at 400 degrees. 

Carving Acorn squash is a lot like carving a pumpkin – use the tip of your knife and push in to start it.  

Then bring the rest of the knife down and around the whole she-bang.

 

Use a spoon to scoop out the pulp and seeds.  If you love acorn squash, consider saving some of those seeds to dry out & plant.  

Score the squash with the tip of your knife taking care not to cut all the way through the skin.

 

Now it’s ready for some really good stuff!  Meet our co-conspirators: raisins, cranberries, and walnuts.  They heard it was a party, so they brought their good friends sea salt cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger (she was camera shy) brown sugar, and black pepper.  I like to pre-soak the raisins in hot water so they plump up and don’t dry out during baking.   About 10-15 minutes will do it.  They’re relaxing in their hot bath in this picture.

Drain the raisins, and add about 2 healthy tablespoons of butter, and melt in the microwave.  Obviously, by healthy tablespoons I mean heaping.  Butter’s not healthy, but it’s oh so good. 

While the butter is melting, I like to mix about 1/3 of a cup of brown sugar with my spices to ensure they’re all evenly distributed.  Reserve about a quarter of the brown sugar and spice mixture, and add in the rest of your sugar to the melted butter and raisins, then add the cranberries and walnuts.

How yummy does that look?  Seriously, look at all that goodness swimming in butter and brown sugar!

Fill the squash with the mixture.  It's OK if you get some syrup on the squash, it likes that.  

Pour a 1/4 cup of water into the bottom of the pan, and liberally sprinkle the flesh of the squash with the remaining sugar and spice.  

Loosely cover pan with foil and pop into the oven for about an hour, or until you're able to pierce the flesh easily with a fork.  

Now would be about the time would be admiring a picture of the cooked and ready to eat squash, except my camera decided to eat that picture.  Guess it got a little hungry taking all those photos.  

The stuffing turned out delicious, and I'll be using it again to top home made mashed sweet potatoes in individual ramekins and as a stuffing for butternut squash.  All of which are wonderful sides for Thanksgiving, or with praline chicken or cranberry pork loin (recipes to follow in future posts). 

Enjoy!  Till next time y'all! 

S.O.Bees! The Welcome Committee From Hell

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I’m a terrible wimp.  Snakes don’t scare me, mice and rats don’t bother me in the least, and even spiders aren’t a cause for undue alarm but when it comes to flying insects, especially anything that stings, I am the biggest wimp ever.  Over the years, this has been a source of chagrin for me, and a source of amusement for bystanders as I let out a whoop, bend at the waist and go running like some crazed duck doing a demented Three Stooges impression.  “Woo, woo, woo, woo, woooooo!  Nyyaaaaarrrr!!!”  There’s no logic to ducking down and running, it’s not as if going lower will somehow magically evade their radar, and the noises, well…those are involuntary.  And often louder than I intend.  That whole involuntary thing again, ya know?     

I was prepared for Palmetto bugs when we moved to South Carolina, having encountered them from my time spent in New Orleans.  Giant roaches, that’s all they are.  And while they freak me out due to just how inordinately creepy they are, I know they can’t actually hurt me.  Give me nightmares, yes, but hurt me, no.  I knew we’d have stinging insects here, already met a fire ant and learned just why they’re called that as we were house hunting (give the phrase “feel the burn” a whole new meaning) and figured bugs were bugs where ever you went. 

Clearly, I was delusional.  At no point did it enter my mind to consider the possibility that if the Palmetto bugs get as big as a small pony, that the other insects would as well.  Somehow, that line of thinking escaped me completely until we’d bought our home and I was spending some time painting the bedroom.  It was a mild day; the front door was open and the storm door closed.  As I’m painting, there’s a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping on my closed storm door.  “Just a moment” I call, then….nothing more.  Again as I paint the wall, wondering who it was that called, I hear the tapping, tapping of someone at my closed storm door.  “One minute” I call, as I cease to paint the wall and greet the visitor who is still tapping, still insistently rapping, rapping at my closed screen door…Getting to the door I cry, as a hideous site meets my eye, tis a hornet, and nothing mo-HOLY CRAP!!! 

This should never knock on anyone's front door.  Ever. 

 

Never had I seen a hornet that was two inches in size, let alone one that could KNOCK on my front door like the welcome committee from hell come to call.  “Oh hey, (tap, tap, tap) heard you were new to the neighborhood, (tap, tap, tap) thought I’d drop in…”  The accompanying shriek would have done any scream queen proud as the front door was slammed shut and the locks engaged.  Hey, if it could knock on the door, I wasn’t taking any chances.  That evening I set out for our local hardware store, still in my paint splattered clothes and possibly still a little wild eyed from that days encounter.  No doubt, I must’ve looked a sight. 

The thing about Southerners is that (generally speaking) they are so unfailingly polite that the clerk at the store’s only reaction to my story of the hornet from hell (related in a very animated way) and asking if they had anything in the store to annihilate Satan’s minions, like say, a flame thrower, was to get me their best hornet spray and offer to swing by after his shift and help me.  Bless his heart.  That offer of help really galvanized me into putting on my big girl panties and doing battle with the nasty SOBees myself.  Or maybe the paint fumes had finally gotten to me.  Whichever the case, I wasn’t prepared for how aggressive they were, or for how they’d repeatedly attack the car trying to sting it as you pull into the driveway, but many cans of hornet spray later, they’ve decided to take up residence elsewhere and terrorize someone else. 

Since then, I’ve learned that many bugs are bigger in the South, locals will always have a bit of helpful advice on how best to get rid of them, and I can get away from a wasp or hornet without running in a crouch doing my best Moe, Larry and Curly impression…well, most days.  

Well, I'd better be buzzing off!  Till next time, y’all!

That's A Wrap: At Home Spa Day of Doom

Pinterest has been both a blessing and a curse to my life.  It’s given me wonderful recipes, tips and tricks, DIY projects and my favorite – at home beauty tips.   The idea of an at home spa day is wonderfully appealing to me since it costs far less, and some poor stranger isn’t subjected to seeing me in nothing but a pair of panties if it’s a body wrap or scrub I want.  Inevitably, these spa days wait until Sunday, when Bear is at work and the house is empty, save for myself and the cats.  Usually, that’s a good thing since I don’t think a husband needs to see every single little step of their wife’s upkeep and grooming.  (IE: bleaching my eyebrows so they’ll match my hair – no one needs to see me walking around the house looking like an Oompa Loompa gone wrong with thick white paste on my brows)

And so it began…my friend Kim had pinned an at home body wrap which I promptly repined to one of my boards.  When she posts beauty stuff, I pay attention because she's easily one of the most beautiful women I know, and she's really smart about all things beauty.  Since I’d been fighting a cold all week it seemed only appropriate that part of Sunday was dedicated to a little pampering.  I may not feel physically better but if I look better, that’s something, right? 

I began gathering the ingredients together, and in my usual pinch of this, dash of that fashion, modified them slightly to accommodate what we had in the house.  Epsom salt is in the house, but where in the house is a mystery.  Amazingly there was a jar of Bentonite clay in my “beauty box” that I forgot was there.  Huh.  Rarely do clay facial masks not get used up around here, so this is a really lucky find! 

Beware the secrets of the Aztec!

I put 2 green tea bags into the water to boil, measured out the rest of the ingredients, and then poured the boiling green tea into the clay & added the olive oil and some Geranium essential oil which is supposed to be good for toning the skin.  So far, so good.  It looked a bit too thick to work with….I’d read where adding some apple cider vinegar to the clay really helped pull out the impurities, so in it went.  Suddenly, I’m greeted with a bubbling, frothing, hissing mass of angry clay that now smells like very tart geraniums.  Undaunted, the mixing of this concoction continues.  Off we go to the bathroom, with the clay mixture and a roll of plastic wrap in hand.  The slathering part went fairly well, and I was feeling pretty good about myself as none of the clay mixture got on anything but me.  (a minor miracle)  After rinsing my hands, it was time to wrap my newly slathered self in the plastic wrap.  The midriff section was deceptively easy.  It lulled me into a false sense of confidence.   That confidence didn’t falter as I wrapped my hips, it didn’t so much as waiver as I wrapped around my derrière…it wasn’t until I was attempting to wrap plastic wrap around my thighs that the thought occurred to me, “Houston, we have a problem”.  My first thought was to just wrap around both legs together but the thought of hobbling around the house like the little mermaid didn’t sound appealing so I started wrapping down one leg, contorting myself to ensure every square slathered inch was sufficiently wrapped.  Then came the second leg and that’s when I discovered that I couldn’t contort myself nearly so easily as the first leg and hip were very tightly wrapped, as was my midriff, and movement was impeded, to say the least.  Somehow I managed to wrap the second leg and again was reminded of the wisdom of doing these sorts of things home alone, as a certain Bear would have been laughing too hard to be of any assistance to me. 

The instructions said to soak tights and a tight top in hot water to put on over that, but I skipped that step because I didn’t want to be a soggy mess.  Next was to put on my heaviest pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, to keep the body heat trapped in.  The sweatshirt went on easily.  The pants required more effort than you’d think – my legs and hips were fairly immobilized by plastic wrap, which made the whole experience rather akin to dressing a Barbie doll whose legs don’t bend.  Pants on, I was free to go about the house albeit in a sort of penguin waddle kind of way.  The instructions said to relax for 45-60 minutes.  Lowering myself onto the couch with a mug of green tea in hand, I felt this…oozing feeling upon sitting.  The feeling of trying to sit, slathered in goo, bound in plastic is…there’s nothing to compare it to, really.  HGTV makes for a nice distraction, but about 20 minutes in, I start to notice this…feeling.  It’s like my skin is starting to come to life – in fact, it’s starting to feel like it’s pulsating.  My midriff, back, thighs, hips, yes, even my bottom are pulsating.  What fresh hell is this?  It’s not a pleasant feeling and there’s this niggling thought at the back of my brain to check the jar of clay, the clay that somehow managed to remain virtually untouched for two years in my beauty box.  Looking at the jar, I see this:

What marketing genius decided THAT was a good catch phrase?

“FEEL YOUR FACE PULSATE!”

I’m not sure how I managed to forget that this stuff isn’t your normal, run of the mill fairly mild facial clay - it actually does exactly what it says on the jar and makes your skin pulsate and throb like it’s trying to come OFF your body.  Well, mine couldn’t since it’s encased in plastic but I’m pretty certain if it wasn’t contained it would.  At least the mystery of why it sat in my box o’ beauty unused for so long was solved.  Since the clay was doing what it was supposed to, I determined to let it do its thing for the full length of time recommended.  HGTV does not distract nearly enough in times like this, and what’s worse, after another 15 minutes my green tea is gone.  Tea goes right through me, in fact, it’s amazing I didn’t need to tinkle prior to this but now I’ve really gotta go.  Like, now.  Except I’m still wrapped in plastic and I’m fairly certain that my self imposed mummification has made it impossible to use the rest room and in all my wisdom I decided to do this at home with no one to help cut me out of my plastic wrap in a hot hurry.  Houdini himself would have been proud of the speed with which I escaped my plastic shackles. 

I wish I could say that this is a rare sort of occurrence in my life, but the fact is, I often find myself wondering how it is that I manage to get myself into such “I Love Lucy” esque situations.  Sadly, this won’t be the last time I do this – after finally unwrapping and cleaning off the clay goop, the results were noticeable enough that we will once again find me covered in clay, wrapped in plastic, and doing the penguin waddle.  Hey, no one ever said looking good was easy! 

Till next time, y’all!